WTF!!????
01 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
Why can’t the reason behind my new haircut and very very slight weightloss,new shirt and make-up be just for me.Why is it necessary to accuse me of having another man in my life.Do I have to look like crap when I go to work,to the store and at home,because God forbid my daughters best friends father might come over unexepectdly…..and by the way when I say slight weightloss I’m not even talking weightloss…I yo-yo between 205 and 199 depending on how busy I am at work.My muscles are more toned due to the fact that for 8hours a day I’m walking at a speedwalking pace to get from one task,one side of the store to the other.Anywhere from 3 to 5 days lately of sweeping,dusting and mopping two stairwells.Thats one trip down to put the dustpan d=at the bottom of the stairs,up to sweep all the way down,back up with dustpan full of dirt,down with the mop and then slowly making my way back up mopping the whole way.Waitng til the stairs are dry I take a wet rag and dust the wainscot,stair rail and banister…..times two……but no.I get insulted on my haircut by my husband who would rather I have long scraggly hair that gives me headaches due to the thickness and weight of it hanging off my head.
Make sme sad that I can’t do anything for myself without having to hear negative things about it……
Disappeared….
30 Dec 2011 Leave a Comment
Would anyone notice…if I disappeared…if they didn’t hear from me would they notice? Their busy but I take the time…do I care anymore…do they……would anyone notice if I disappeared? Would they care? Would I care if they didn’t notice?
Update…..
17 Nov 2011 Leave a Comment
So….I am 4 weeks into a new job. I work at Lowes….Store 218 on Oddie Blvd in Sparks,Nevada. My position is FSA. Thats a fancy way of saying I am a janitor and maintenance person. I am loving the job.I miss my family while I am gone….but two paychecks in I’m loving it. I am preparing to pay two small bills off…YAY!! I have bought my first expensive pair of shoes.I say my first pair because normally I do not pay over 10 bucks for a pair of shoes.I paid 28 bucks and othe than they need a little extra cushion they are so nice. I bought myself a shirt for work. I was able to put on two really nice birthday parties for my two youngest kids….without them being Dollar Store parties.
22 Jun 2011 Leave a Comment
This is just a bit of whats on my mind…a pity party if you will…..whats up with my sisters? I get the excuse that Jessica called but my phone never shows missed calls from her in this ONE instance…..my sister Angela refuses to to do more than extreme surface conversations…Amanda has talked to me twice in 6 years….Olivia…I know she’s going thru a hardtime.Juanita and I seem a little close but kinda seems all over the place….I’m at a point where all I want to do is start blocking people….shhh….I blocked my comments from showing up on their pages,if they don’t care enough to stay in touch I am at a point were I refuse to share my life with them.I sent a letter out to all of them and only one sister responded…I’m sad and annoyed that Im sad….I don’t want to care but I do….when you see that you’ve liked something so you get something in return and everyone does but you that send out a big message…when you say you miss the heart to hearts and she tells you she hates that it has to be that way it hurts….why does it have to be that way? Why don’t you at least have enough courtesy to explain…..
Today is a bad day…………
12 Jun 2011 Leave a Comment
…..Ugly….i feel ugly,stupid…like a failure. Tears stain my cheeks.I can’t do anything right.To have my one mistake continuosly thrown in my face hurts.Especially since I don’t throw his mistake in his face….all his cruel words.It wouldn’t matter anyways…he deinies saying anything he has said,denies the picture being in his clipboard…..
Invasion of privacy….his opninion is married couples should have not one secret,that he should have the passwords to everything so he can go thru my stuff at his leisure….smothered is how I feel…to not have privacy or to think you do and to come home to find he’s been in your email somehow…copying and pasting old letters to the man you had an emotional affair into a word document to use it to rub your face into it….why am I the one to always give unconditional forgivness in this world……
Terrified to have my sister come to my house to visit… seven years since I have seen her…his threats to leave the house all day…to swear he will not be under the same roof as her….meanwhile his brother has done more damage to my marriage than my sister and if he showed up he would be welcomed in and I would have to play nice nice…then I’d get to hear how much he hated that his brother showed up…but secretly deep down I know he would be happy that he did…he would never admit that….
Resisting the urge to hurt myself…to release the emotions…I know the slap of the hanger will release those feelings, dull them, make them hide….tired of having to feel them…..
Hurt by the fact that he talks shit about me getting a job…how he’s so sorry I got turned down…that getting a job will be good for me…see what it’s done for my girlfriends on facebook…how they are happy and able to stand on their own …of course they are divorced….he just needs to get his stuff straightened out for the furture…get his stuff set…..it’ll be good for me to branch out and make friends…it’ll take a load off of his mind and answer questions he has….you and your stupid veiled comments…come out already and fucking say it…stop being a chicken shit and say what you mean you fucking asshole….GOD I HATE YOU SOMETIMES……
Hate for myself that I feel these feelings….I’m ugly inside as well as the outside…my children the only anchors keeping me in this life at this moment…………………I’m stupid because I can’t be the perfect housewife and mother…stupid for not keeping my house immacilant…stupid for not being June Cleaver…my children as perfect as Beaver and his brother….they’re messy and busy and forgetful like their mother….their wonderful….I hate myself on days like this wishing I had never been born….knowing I failed as a mother and wife…words that sting months after they were said in a wine induced fog….
Going on even though I feel like putting my load down and sleeping…sleeping and never waking up…dry them tears….slap those legs,chase those feeling aways…put the smile on your face…time for some fresh air…..
A drawer full of letters…..
26 May 2011 Leave a Comment
My mother is such a dear woman. She doesn’t give herself much credit as a mother and that bothers me. She educated herself and for me seeing how far she has come is inspiring. She took care of 4 little girls at the same time. Not many women could do that sucessfully.Granted I was unable to grow up with her in my life but that wasn’t her choice.That choice was ripped away from her by two very selfish people.
Growing up knowing that the mother you thought was your mother was hard and confusing. I came to find out that the woman I called mother wasn’t my mother when I was maybe 6 or 7 years old. My sister and I were playing “Store” in the living room of our trailer in Milford,California. I remember it was a bit chilly,but theses are childhood memories so I could be wrong. There came a knock at the door and this woman was standing there.I remember the feeling in the room was very tense. My next memory was being in a court house with this woman in the bathroom telling me she was my mom and she didn’t want them to adopt me. I remember being confused, I remember a judge and then thats all. Life went on and I never saw the woman again. Unfortunately life didn’t go on the same way. Things changed. My step mother changed.She became mean and cruel and unhappy.As an adult I never understood fully why. I accepted that she felt the need to treat us that way but never understood why. It’s the words of a friend that made an impact and you could almost hear the choir singing and a ray of sunshine fall on me….he said his current wife did not treat his daughter and son well…that she let her hate for his exwife..the kids mother taint her relationship with his children. That she hated the ex wife so much that she was just plain mean to his kids. The only difference…he steps in and apparently this causes a lot of fights.I’m sure this marriage for him will not last.
So as I said the choir started singing the heavens shone down on me….She hated the fact that my mother was able to have children and she couldn’t….she tried unsucessfully to take and pretend that two little girls in her care were her children.I think in her sick little mind she had convinced herself that these girls were her girls by birth….that the unsucessful adoption was a slap of reality in her face…she tried in everyway to stomp out the memory of my mother…and because she hated my mother she took her hate out on my sister and I.
I knew out in that big wide world that I had a loving mother. A mistake on my stepmothers part confirmed this. She had sent me into her and dads room to get some wrapping paper. She told me which drawer to look in. The bottom drawer on the right hand side….do NOT look in any other drawer. Wrong drawer…I found stuff, but a quick call from the other room pulled me back to the present time…I quickly located said wrapping paper, my head full of plans for the next day when she would be gone.
A day with the house to myself….noone there…sister at work, father working overtime, step mom who knows where just not at home. I went to the drawer and pulled everything out. Letters, pictures little packages I didn’t dare open. In the midst of this stuff was some letters we had written the summer before to our sisters, a surprise letter from them and my mom.We were graciously allowed to write back and send pictures but puzzled why we never heard back…I’ll tell you why, she never sent our letters to them. I knew in that moment I had a mother who loved me…thru all the nasty things my step mother told me…that my mother was a slut….that she had never wanted me….that if it hadn’t been for my ftaher I would have been aborted…that I was a slut after my first kiss at 16…..that I was stupid, lazy and not worth anything I knew there was a mother out there who didn’t think that way about me.There was a mother who cried in a courthouse bathroom because she loved me and somehow that made life more bareable…….
Father….
23 May 2011 Leave a Comment
So this is something my husband and I disagree about vehemently. I believe due to my fathers actions that he loves my sister and her kids more. He believes that due to the occasional absence of a father figure he felt obliged to take that place. I disagree…..case in point………
Many birthdays and holidays have gone by without anything…not even a phone call from my father…..he has forgotten my birthday almost 13 years running. I gave him his first grandson….three in all…and the first time he was back in the area after his birth….he spent 15 minutes total with me and my kids.He spent two days with my sister and her kids……my anniversary came around on the 12th of May.We have been married for 20 years.We’ve been thru so much and stayed together and ddespite our differences we are still together and commited to each other. My father calls on my anniversary…from a bar just to say hey and see what I was doing. I mention I was celebrating my 20th anniversary. Does he congratulate me…tell me he’s proud that my husband and I were still together thru all we had been thru? Nope….he asks me if I am going to feed him arsenic for dinner…I replied flabbergasted “NO!!”…He said no a 38 special would do a better job or maybe even a 45…..and then hung up after say “Oh troubles here!!” said by and added at the last minute Love ya and hung up……
Yeah he loves me…sure…I have finally accepted that I am not as important as my sister but that one still stings….there are so many days when I wished he would lose my phone number and stop calling…his memory is getting bad so who knows maybe my wish will come true!!
A new journey….
22 May 2011 Leave a Comment
I have been a proud stay at home mom for 17 years in July.I quite the rat race so to speak in July of 1994, five moths pregnant with my first child. I will admit…I was bored…out of my mind….until the baby came in November….then I was completely and utterly overwhelmed.There were times when I longed to go back to work…as anything but a teacher. Now my oldest is soon to turn 17 and I am returning to work….I know crazy huh??
There are a couple of reasons for returning to work. First and most obvious is finances. I have been married to the same man for 20 years. In those 20years we have struggled for 16 years….we have struggled to diaper our babies, clothe them and just do something as simple as buy an ice cream from the ice cream truck. In the past couple of years my oldest daughter has helped with her job to do things such as by toilet paper,food or gas for the car. Now as I sit here we are a family of five barely making ends meet.Granted my kids are happy and have learned to make do and do without.But as a parent it would be so nice to not have to struggle the whole entire time they are little and under our roof.We have two vehicles!! Two broke down vehicles….and one of them I am still paying insurance on…just so I can park it in the street with the hope a friend will find the time to look at it….and I am taking public transportation. I roll with the punches but sometimes life hits you with an appointment or errand in an area with no bus service and I am forced to rely on friends for a ride.I absolutely abhor relying on other people for anything….
My second reason, and one that takes a load of my husbands mind as well is that by me getting a job and being out there if something happens to him he feels confident that I will be okay. Sound melodramatic…not in the least…he almost died about 7 years ago…..and I would have been on my own with no job and one final paycheck of his to tide us over til I did get a job. The fact that he could pass away weighs heavily on our minds. He has had high blood pressure for almost 8 years and for the most part it’s fairly uncontrolled.He has sleep apnea and has had quite a few scares with his heart some just only a day or two ago….silly man thought he was having a heart attack and laid down…..I smacked him and told him he was supposed to get me…long story short we both figure it’s time for me to reenter the work place.It’s given him peace of mind….
I’m also burned out…and I feel a little ashamed to say that.But when looking back on the years the majority of the housework and child rearing….well it’s been squarely put on my shoulders and I need a break. I need some serious adult converstaion and interaction.I recently got incontact with a girl I knew in high school and she seriously wants to have coffee when school is out and we both have time….I got so tongue tied and flustered when she asked me….I mean I haven’t been anywhere by myself in ages…oh I get the quick errand here and there maybe 3 times a year but alone time….or time AWAY from ANY kids I have given birth to…nada….and I honestly need it….
So wish me luck as I head back out into the world…I still need the job…but I am excited and hopeful and scared and happy……what a roller coaster!!
Resilience…..
20 May 2011 Leave a Comment
“Man never made any material as resilient as the human spirit.”…Ben Williams
Throughout my life I have encountered a lot of adversaries.I was made fun of daily at school.I didn’t wear the right clothes, shoes, wear my hair stylishly.I didn’t come from some well known local family. My last name Butler caused me a lot of pain. I was called names, sppit on by the older kids as I left the cafeteria. I was made fun of because my step mother was a heavy woman who sported a moustache. I was molested by the neighbor and abused by my step mother…….my husband has spent years critisizing me and not helping out like he should…….
Through it all I have been a fairly positive person. I took the opposite road of mistrust and trusted a lot of people I shouldn’t have. Thru the years I have learned to listen to my instincts and have faired much better.
I have had a lot of bad luck happen to me while being married to my husband.We have had a hard life full of struggles…but I have always tried to be a happy person.I have had my moments of depression, anxiety and burnout but there was always that voice telling me to pull your butt up off the sidewalk and keep going. I’m proud that I have bounced back from a lot of the bad things and still be a happy positve person.
I was reading an article in a magazine about resilience and I saw myself in it…I’ve heard my husband tell his mother and friends that I had such strength and resilience.That I was able to always keep a good positive attitude about anything we were going thru…that my mantra was always the same “We’ll get thru this and be stronger for it….it’ll be alright!”…..
I have my moments like I said where I bemoan the next round that life throws at me…when I feel like sitting down and crying “Why me….what have I done to deserve this??? Huh who did I pissoff up there??”…….times when I feel so terribly lonely…when I take a good look at my life and man do I get depressed….I live a bazillion miles from my mom and four of my sisters and all my neices and nephews….I live a bazillion miles away from my dad and a sister and her kids….but then when I think of that sometimes I get this guilty feeling because I get the feelingthat they are all going thru their own mental health issues and I’m not sure I want to get involved…..and that makes me a sucky sister….
I think thru my resilience I may have by passed a lot of mental health issues…..I do get depressed…but then I think about people who’s lives are harder and I know my life could be worse.I have a husband who loves me….yes I stick around for the wrong reasons…to not hurt him and the kids…..but they are happy and content and that makes me happy and content….I have 5 wonderful kids who are absolute sweethearts and when I see other kids act more terrible than my kids I know I’m blessed…..I think about the fact that I don’t have a car…but I have a bus system that I know like the back of my hand and a couple of friends who can give me rides if I have to go to an area that isn’t serviced by the bus sytem….I have to take 4 bus trips to get the groceries….I look at it as a day away from the house and a lot of walking back and forth to the bus stop and the house…cardio right there, I’m working my muscles and my lungs!! No toilet paper…use newspaper rolled til it’s soft and a wet rag to clean the ink off…..no milk use powdered milk…..no food find the nearest food bank and mom and dad don’t eat for a day or two…extra weight that we lose!!
I think of my sisters I don’t know well and wonder if I could give them some of my resilience…I look at my sister who always seems to be sick…and sick with terrible things and wonder…is she really sick with all the things she says she is or is she sick with something else….I wonder sometimes if I am sick but I just don’t know it….I feel normal…as if there is such a thing….I don’t make things up and tell people I have cancer time and again…when I am sick I go on for as long as I can….I’ll be damned if I will act like my father and bemoan an illness or compete with people…..I refuse to be seen as weak…I’m the strong one in my marriage and I’m afraid of what would happen if I was to get sick……I try to keep any emotional issues to myself and I try to work thru them by myself….I try to be strong…….and honestly…truely honestly ….I do feel strong, I feel very strong……like I could take on the world…..and WIN!!
Hello again….
08 May 2011 Leave a Comment
Okay so it’s been awhile since I blogged last. I started a a blog entitled All About Me.I said in the blog how difficult of a blog it would be and man was I right. I mean really who wants to know all about me.Then as I start to write I have thoughts flowing thru my head like who cares…or better yet wait what was I going to add to this blog!!!…
So with that thought in mind I thought I would touch on the subject of reincarnation..I know I hear your sigh and see you rolling your eyes and shaking your head…HEY YOU …NO NOT YOU…THE GUY OFF TO THE LEFT i SEE YOUR REACTION!! AND I DON’T CARE ABOUT IT ALL THAT MUCH!!THIS IS MY BLOG NOT YOURS!!!..LOL..anyways…
Reincarnation is believed to occur when the soul or spirit after the death of the body , comes back to life in a newborns body.
Yes I do believe in it and I do believe I have been. Do I sound crazy yet??!! I know this since this dream I had, a reoccurring dream that I have had since I can remember.I would have this dream even as a small child. I would wake up shaking and scared, feeling homesick,this longing to go back to that time. I never really knew what the dream meant until I was an adult. I always seemed to have the dream especially around difficult times in life, emotionally difficult times. I was and to some degrees still am the type of person who worries obsessively about…I guess you would say I worried about when I did something wrong or I upset someone accidentally with something I said or did. I say accidentally because I was and am still a bit obsessive with making sure I never purposely hurt someone with my actions or words. I don’t know how many times I go to write something to someone say on Facebook and erase it more than once because I’m afraid that I might word it in a way to upset the other person.
Anyways..as an adult I realized when I would hurt or have someone mad at me I was obsessive at figuring out a way to make them not mad at me. I couldn’t just say “I’m Sorry” and move on.I needed to know if they accepted, truly accepted it and wouldn’t hold anything against me. It would burn my brain just worrying and obsessing over it, then I would have the dream.The dream is VERY private. Needless to say in the dream I did something accidental that caused someone to get hurt. It happened during a childhood game and ,I guess you could say that me and a couple other children were punished, me more severely. The other children took their punishments but I seemed to have a hard time with it and long story short I gave up and ……died…..I literally saw myself wander away and at some point lay down and die.I died of environmental exposure, meaning the place I was at had extreme temperatures of hot during the day and cold at night.I have no idea how long I laid there, but I eventually died. Now the funny thing is when I’ve seen pictures of this culture for lack of better words, even as a child I would get this feeling of recognition and homesickness…familaraity….
Now…my husband and I have always had a bit of a hard time being together. I was immature in the ways of being an adult I guess at times. And he wanted things just so and lashed out when every they didn’t go the way he envisioned. I call it the Ozzie and Harriet syndrome. He wants everything immaculate in the home and any problems with the children to be handled swiftly and easily. Little does he know that life is messy….it takes 18 years to raise a child for a reason.I mean if by the time they are 3 years old they dress, clean up…perfectly, and otherwise do everything that an 18 can do then why in the hell do we need to raise them for 18 years. He was a type A child…everything had a place and by good his things were NEVER out of place…nevere ever ever…so he says. His mom says he was just as messy a child as any other child….any ways I digress…goodness…hold on must reread and find my train of thought….
Okay found it…lol..so when things would get emotionally hard with him, or with my sister…or even with my sister and him, putting me between him and her in a struggle for my loyalty and love…another blog idea!! I would have this dream…so Idaho comes along and man we are having some troubles. I am doing my best to do everything how he wants but I fail…I can’t come within 2 feet of doing things the way he wants them done. We end up having this massive fight that goes on for hours…and I do mean hours!!The final decision is this…It’s up to me to change and keep house the way HE wants it done or he hits the road. I put the ball back in his court in a very daring move for me…NO IT’S YOUR DECISION IF YOU WANT TO STAY OR NOT. BY GOD I AM DONE!! I HAVE TRIED OVER AND OVER TO KEEP THE HOUSE THE WAY YOU WANT AND RAISE OUR CHILDREN WITH LITTLE HELP FROM YOU!!….I REFUSE TO CHANGE ANYMORE THIS IS WHO I AM AND IF YOU DON’T WANT TO BE WITH ME THEN LEAVE!!!…….
I was done. Because it seemed like no matter what I did it just wasn’t quite good enough for him.I was folding some laundry and crying when I felt like something hit me…some invisible force hit me…and literally took my breath away!! I knew from that moment on that if I tried my best and always tried to not hurt someone then I was a good person. If at some point I happened to hurt someones feelings or whatever…and I made an effort to make amends and they continued to be upset…then why was it up to me to grovel at their feet begging for forgivness….NO NO MORE. If I apologize and you can’t honestly accept my apology then that’s YOUR problem not MINE. If my house is messy and cluttered, keep in mind I have 5 children that are home 24 hours a day….at the time of the ephinay I only had two….and I home school 4 out of the 5 and cook all meals and do all the laundry then at some point the house will be messy and if you don’t like it then pitch the fuck in already. If your passing thru the living room and I elsewhere and there are legos on the floor and the culprits are sitting on the couch watching tv…then have them clean up. Don’t come into the room I am in and start dropping hints that if they had been taught right from the beginning they wouldn’t have left the legos on the floor…..YES THEY WERE TAUGHT RIGHT, RIGHT FROM THE BEGINNING…THEY ARE KIDS AND EASILY DISTRACTED FOR GOD SAKES!!! My oldest is 16 and about two years ago that light bulb finally clicked on and she started cleaning her messes up WITHOUT me hounding her….my oldest boy is 13 and he’s catching….do I have stupid children no I don’t think so….did I fail as a mother to teach my children the lesson of clean it up when your done…no I don’t think so…..you know what it is….THEY ARE KIDS AND NEED LOTS OF REMINDERS!!!….this is just a fact of life
Anyways the only time I ever get reminded of my past life is when I start slipping back into that old way of thinking.Like recently I made a comment on a family members page….and was accused of being condesending…I had no intention of making that person feel that way.She had done something to prove to her child that she was right and her child was wrong…I thougth it was cute since I would have done the same thing…needless to say the person was offended by what I wrote…I apologized on the post and with a private message….has this person forgiven…I don’t think so…since not long after this incident…a couple of hours later she posted a song entitled “F&*^ You!!”….I started obsessing and then realized what I was doing and stopped…I apologized and if you want to nurse your hurt then so be it…
So thats a little bit more about me…not to interesting to anybody really but it’s just a little glimpse into who I am…..TTYL!!
